What could it be? Matt... Matt Woods... That boy who always played violin. Yeah, that one boy... Didn't he have a brother? An older brother? They look alike. No they don't. Wait what's that boys name again? He's so quiet. Why is he staring? Why... Is he here? Who am I? Oh he always gets good grades... I'm tired of him he's good at everything... In gym class he jumps like a freaking Asian... Oh wait, he is Asian... Always... Trying too hard. Why does he always bring his violin to all of his classes? Always have to play everything "perfect" don't you, Matt? I'm just kidding, Matt. No hard feelings, Matt. Are you okay you seem down? Is he okay? Always in a weird mood. Man, I didn't know he could bench press 190 pounds... I thought he was weak... Weakling... He needs to learn what limits are... Faggot... Idiot... Nerd... Ever drink? No? You NEED to drink. Ever smoke? No? Oh well, it isn't good for you. Ever had sex? Moral values? Screw moral values. Half breed... Useless... You're.. Not... Good enough... Matt, you can be whatever you want to be. Skies the limit. You get everything. Quit ruining my life. Goodbye, Matt...
These are some things that have been said to me and things that I asked or have said to myself. There are only two things, that I have said to myself. Who am I... You're... Not ... Good enough... This is a problem I face every single day. I try hard... I try my very best to tell myself that I AM good enough for whatever the future holds for me. The reason as to why I feel this way? Sure you could call it whatever you want; depression, stress, WHAT.EVER. The reason I never tried my best to become the person I was meant to be and until now, I feel the same way- is because of the neglect I put myself through because of other peoples feelings. How they felt toward me and how they reacted to certain things I wanted to pursue. I never asked to be a musician. I never asked to love art. I never asked to be empathetic towards those who are hurting. I never asked be called a faggot or to be called a half breed. I never asked to be born in a family where striking fear into their children was a way of discipline. I never asked to be that guy that was always forgotten in the midst of struggles and hard times. I was Matt... Matt Woods... Or at least to me I was...
Have you ever been pushed down? The uncomfortable touch of someone's own hands thrusting them onto your body where gravity is no longer your friend, where the message is clear that you belong on the ground. Have you ever been pushed to test your self-control? Where a being knows your weaknesses, your faults, your self-conscience and where you stand in life? Have you ever been beaten and felt like you deserved it? Have you ever glimpsed your loved ones being in pain and you had no power to stop it from happening? Have you ever had a day so lonely that not even the greatest of things in life could cure it? Have you ever smiled at someone and not know why you smiled at them? Have you ever been so lost that you realized you were the one who created a maze? Have you ever just wanted an answer? I have...
To be honest deep down, I don't want to be remembered as the guy who plays violin. I certainly don't want to be remembered by anything negative either. You can say all my life I was taught how to be many things. As well as things to be remembered by. I will say this. I was taught to be the best, to know when to give up, to never believe what people say and believe only half of what you see, to know that you would be something better than what you have, to know that a helping hand could rightfully be your downfall, to know the difference between a fake and a real smile, and to know that deception is the better part of valor. I just have to say that isn't me. At one point I believed I had to live by all of this. Then there would be people who told me different. I became confused... Lost... Unwilling... I didn't know what to do. I was always scared of everything. EVERYTHING. And I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I soon became tired... So tired. When you're tired you deny it and you should do everything in your means to fix the problem. I never did that. Because I thought that if I tried to fix my mistakes, there would be something that would push me down once again. And I was pushed down many times. I got back up though. I can say that I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way from a life of fear and pain... The thing I love about myself the most, is the blood that flows within me. I am resilient because of it. Take that to all who called me a half breed.
One thing I hate about myself (and it's nothing big and nothing TOO serious haha) has to be the way I let things flow. When I really do try, it's effortless. I am good at a lot of things. I'm also willing to accept that I am horrible at a lot of things. I can't give you a straight picture on who Matt Woods really is, because my road is definitely full of twists and turns. If I'm that violinist to you then I'll tell you this; If you read all of this I hope I did my job and gave you a piece of me. There is so much more to me. So much more to all of us. During one of our rehearsals, Marty said this to me, "You cannot go back". I took that many ways. It's little things like that, that can stick with you for a very long time. A lifetime at that. And that person never knowing what an impact it dealt.
All I can say is... I am Matt Woods.
I have to say...it's been a pleasure rehearsing with you. It's been a pleasure to meet you and to get to know you--I'd like to get to know you better--I think that an impending friendship between us will do us both a lot of good. We've both been broken, pushed down, beaten--and we've both climbed out of that darkness, refusing to let that darkness control the rest of our lives. But I want to say...you can do it. You are good enough. You're an amazing person, I can see that plain as day. And if, one day, we lose contact, I won't remember you as the boy that played violin...or the guy that I was in Rent with....I will remember you as Matt Woods...my friend.
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