You're what you own

It has been such an amazing journey so far. We have not hit the tip of the iceberg yet. I haven't hit it yet that's for sure. But we're almost to that "We're damn close" point. It's going to be quite a climb. It will be fierce, cold, bitter, but rewarding. I don't want this journey to end. I refuse to let it end but I know that it must be. There are many reasons why I don't want this musical journey to end. My main reason, is these people I have took in as my friends. You all have seen me cry so I just can't let you walk away so easily so yeah............ I'M SO kidding haha! For realio though... I go to work right after rehearsals and for 8 hours I think constantly about all of our hard work and what we worked on and experienced during our rehearsals. I hum Seasons of Love to myself, I repeat Christmas Bells over and over in my mind, I silently lip sing to the many other songs that I am and am not a part of. I literally look like I'm a mad man when I do all of this, yup. Despite, I am glad I had the opportunity to be a part of this. I say thank you so much but I could never say it enough. Thank you all times a googolplex... Yeah I went there... And lastly, not only have I learned so much about myself and the many things that make me... Me... I have learned so much about this awesome cast. There has to be a better word than awesome... Let it be that word! You all are amazing and most of all, you are you. I wouldn't change that. You're what you own. And I love that about all of you. It's going to be hard to leave our home behind but we shall make a new.

A problem I want you to know...

You know, I wonder if I take this blogging thing way too serious or not sometimes. I really do. To me I don't think this was ever a "gateway" to opening up. I find it a way to show who I really am. Right now, I don't care if you want to read this one or not. I am just being brave. I want whoever reads this to know, that this blog is coming from my heart. From a dark place... This is a part of me that I could live without. That I wouldn't miss... At... All... I hope by the end, you all will see me the same way. After each rehearsal, I don't know if it's just me or not and I'm certainly aware this show isn't about me. But this is me, bringing you who I think I really am, who I thought I was, who I'm not, and certainly who I don't want to be.

What could it be? Matt... Matt Woods... That boy who always played violin. Yeah, that one boy... Didn't he have a brother? An older brother? They look alike. No they don't. Wait what's that boys name again? He's so quiet. Why is he staring? Why... Is he here? Who am I? Oh he always gets good grades... I'm tired of him he's good at everything... In gym class he jumps like a freaking Asian... Oh wait, he is Asian... Always... Trying too hard. Why does he always bring his violin to all of his classes? Always have to play everything "perfect" don't you, Matt? I'm just kidding, Matt. No hard feelings, Matt. Are you okay you seem down? Is he okay? Always in a weird mood. Man, I didn't know he could bench press 190 pounds... I thought he was weak... Weakling... He needs to learn what limits are... Faggot... Idiot... Nerd... Ever drink? No? You NEED to drink. Ever smoke? No? Oh well, it isn't good for you. Ever had sex? Moral values? Screw moral values. Half breed... Useless... You're.. Not... Good enough... Matt, you can be whatever you want to be. Skies the limit. You get everything. Quit ruining my life. Goodbye, Matt...

These are some things that have been said to me and things that I asked or have said to myself. There are only two things, that I have said to myself. Who am I... You're... Not ... Good enough... This is a problem I face every single day. I try hard... I try my very best to tell myself that I AM good enough for whatever the future holds for me. The reason as to why I feel this way? Sure you could call it whatever you want; depression, stress, WHAT.EVER. The reason I never tried my best to become the person I was meant to be and until now, I feel the same way- is because of the neglect I put myself through because of other peoples feelings. How they felt toward me and how they reacted to certain things I wanted to pursue. I never asked to be a musician. I never asked to love art. I never asked to be empathetic towards those who are hurting. I never asked be called a faggot or to be called a half breed. I never asked to be born in a family where striking fear into their children was a way of discipline. I never asked to be that guy that was always forgotten in the midst of struggles and hard times. I was Matt... Matt Woods... Or at least to me I was...

Have you ever been pushed down? The uncomfortable touch of someone's own hands thrusting them onto your body where gravity is no longer your friend, where the message is clear that you belong on the ground. Have you ever been pushed to test your self-control? Where a being knows your weaknesses, your faults, your self-conscience and where you stand in life? Have you ever been beaten and felt like you deserved it? Have you ever glimpsed your loved ones being in pain and you had no power to stop it from happening? Have you ever had a day so lonely that not even the greatest of things in life could cure it? Have you ever smiled at someone and not know why you smiled at them? Have you ever been so lost that you realized you were the one who created a maze? Have you ever just wanted an answer? I have... 

To be honest deep down, I don't want to be remembered as the guy who plays violin. I certainly don't want to be remembered by anything negative either. You can say all my life I was taught how to be many things. As well as things to be remembered by. I will say this. I was taught to be the best, to know when to give up, to never believe what people say and believe only half of what you see, to know that you would be something better than what you have, to know that a helping hand could rightfully be your downfall, to know the difference between a fake and a real smile, and to know that deception is the better part of valor. I just have to say that isn't me. At one point I believed I had to live by all of this. Then there would be people who told me different. I became confused... Lost... Unwilling... I didn't know what to do. I was always scared of everything. EVERYTHING. And I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I soon became tired... So tired. When you're tired you deny it and you should do everything in your means to fix the problem. I never did that. Because I thought that if I tried to fix my mistakes, there would be something that would push me down once again. And I was pushed down many times. I got back up though. I can say that I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way from a life of fear and pain... The thing I love about myself the most, is the blood that flows within me. I am resilient because of it. Take that to all who called me a half breed. 

One thing I hate about myself (and it's nothing big and nothing TOO serious haha) has to be the way I let things flow. When I really do try, it's effortless. I am good at a lot of things. I'm also willing to accept that I am horrible at a lot of things. I can't give you a straight picture on who Matt Woods really is, because my road is definitely full of twists and turns. If I'm that violinist to you then I'll tell you this; If you read all of this I hope I did my job and gave you a piece of me. There is so much more to me. So much more to all of us. During one of our rehearsals, Marty said this to me, "You cannot go back". I took that many ways. It's little things like that, that can stick with you for a very long time. A lifetime at that. And that person never knowing what an impact it dealt. 

All I can say is... I am Matt Woods.

Without the music...

I think the most annoying thing I have ever heard while at the movies was, "I can't hear what they're saying because the music is too loud. You can't hear them talk for christ sake!" Well, can't hear what they're saying because you're speaking over them, you rude/obnoxious individual... Anywho... I'm sure you all have wondered what movies, musicals, or even songs would be like (more so what the world would be like) without music. No need to go into detail what would happen, that is for you to decide. We all went over the script, without the music; Table work. I always wondered what this musical would be like if we didn't have music to accompany us. Well, it wouldn't be a musical it would be a play. However, we all did get a glimpse while we did the table work. Despite that, is it enough though? To just make a play and throw in tunes here and there to fit certain emotions of certain scenes? Voila? A musical is born? Is that all a musical really is? Oh I beg to differ on that. Even if a scene was performed so resplendent, so beautiful, so magnificent- why isn't it enough to some people? With the music... Why isn't it enough?

I actually think it IS because of the music. Remember though, what music links to. What we ALLOW the music to link to. Allowance... And I don't think this means just simply letting the music flow through you. That isn't the meaning of music. To me that is. It's like an army of men trying to fit in a small room. With an army of men you can build or you can destroy. DESTROY the walls and build a bigger space. But first allowance. Allow the music to fill you, destroy those walls and help you grow. I don't want to sound cheesy, but this is what music is to me. (But there are a lot of meanings of what music can be) Music, I believe does have the power to build or destroy. Both to me being of positive influence.

 If I never came across music the way I do today, I would not be the person that I am. I would have never experienced playing the violin, being in choirs as a child, going to a university for music, and I certainly would have never been a part of this musical that we are all in. Music has led me on a path that was my duty to keep building on. Music has also led me on a path that helped me destroy walls that blocked that path...

Music is also what specifically connects to certain emotions whether it's a musical or a movie. I believe we actually have the power to pull this off without music though. We never really need music to portray works of art such as RENT. I don't know if you believe that we do or not. I do. But there IS music. And I love all of it. I believe music is there to build our curiosities and destroy what we think the outcome should be to us. It builds all kinds of possibilities and wonders, and destroys the distractions of inner battles. Builds a foundation to watch and listen, in doing so destroys forgetfulness. Without the music, what would all these things mean to you? What would anything mean to us? Without the music...