Feelings Connection Hope

"Rhythm, power, feeling..." I want to share some of the experiences I have journeyed with myself so far. Playing the role of Steve has been quite a roller coaster. It's not because Steve has AIDS and it's certainly not because I have an emotional solo in this musical. I recently saw a small video/documentary of two of the original broadway actors from RENT, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp. Some things that Anthony Rapp said that hit me emotionally were, "Jonathan, when he wrote this piece, was 35. He was living this life. And he didn't say specifically the ages of these characters. The only person in the whole show who's age was named, is Mimi's..." and, "You have to be yourself and all you can do is add that to the characters." I'll just have to say that practicing my solo at home has been frustrating for me thus far. Why? Not because I'm having trouble practicing the song but I keep forgetting the feeling that must be interpreted from it. I was having major difficulty on the aspect of bringing myself into this song. And it took a toll on me...

I find it very compelling that my feelings are actually being ignited. What Anthony Rapp said, connecting Jonathan Larson's life to the life that these characters from RENT are facing, makes myself even more connected as well- to the story and to my role. Also, when I think about why Jonathan made the song "Will I" the way it is, it ignites my inner sadness. However, it makes a connection to a silly question, "Why wouldn't he make a song about love or hope?" I actually believe now that, that is Jonathan's message he is trying to convey to the people. To the actors who interpret his work, to the men and women who experience it, and to the people who watch; Hope. 

We do not know much about these characters. Which should give us an even better connection, because they could be us. I am getting to know Steve better and better each day. Just wondering that this character was most likely someone that Jonathan had met. This character could have been a part of his life and possibly changed his life. There is so much more to RENT than I had anticipated. I get deeper into its roots and I don't regret knowing such reality and purity that came from one man. I will never truly understand who Steve really was to Jonathan but I get a sense that was someone genuinely special to Jonathan at the time. This feeling, makes me connected to the other characters and to myself even more as well. This feeling might not have been sadness all along but in disguise. I'm sure this feeling was hope.

How I got here: The journey has begun

I want to share with you all on how I got here in the first place. I would like to thank Jesse Pierce on this one. First met him at DACC's production of Promises Promises, sitting outside with a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other after one of the showings. "We're going to be doing RENT", he said. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I did not hesitate one bit to say how much I would love to play violin in the production of RENT. "There are no strings, its all rock music." I kind of died a little at this point... "You should audition for it." Jesse's words captured me. My attention was immediately brought to fear, self-doubt, and insecurity... "I COULD not and WOULD not audition for a musical", I told myself. It wasn't me, it wasn't who I was... Jesse definitely made an impact in the 30 minutes that we were conversing. Going from one thought to eventually unraveling my whole life of musical experiences- I left that night wondering and questioning. I think, from the time Jesse told me I should audition, to the time I found out about the audition date, I have probably asked myself 100 times whether or not I should audition for it... My declaration was pretty obvious haha :)

Here we are, audition day has arrived. My mind worn out from preparing myself mentally. Nerves tense, posture straight, deep breaths, on time, lots of water, "Still thirsty... Parched...", pretending it's a violin solo/ensemble contest, I'm in my room practicing, NO it's the audition, keeping calm, "What's the time? Well it's gotta be close to" 3 o'clock!?... It was finally time for our audition... I did not know what was in store for me and the others. I did not think of "Community" at this time. As a musician I was use to being alone in my room practicing and then playing for judges by myself, and certainly did not want to be the weakest link. These thoughts provoked me after the audition. I could not explain what haunted me as I drove home. A wall that could not be broken. What was it?

First day of... "rehearsal". I brought my thoughts with me. Devotion Matt, be on time Matt, first impressions Matt, introduce yourself Matt, why aren't you introducing yourself Matt?! Nope not going to be on time Matt, call Suzy because you're at the wrong place Matt, Matt why didn't you remember the address for the first rehearsal?... Arrived, not on time and not at all worried. People moving crap everywhere and my thoughts still with me. That wall was breaking though. I immediately sprung into the abyss of upstage! "There, walked a..." bunch of people that I knew! Relieved... I was thrilled! I was among cast and crew and most importantly, friends. I was told what to do, what to move, what to clean, what to cut up, what to pile up, and what to shove in the room next door... Never did I have the mindset that this was exhausting or not fun or boring or too much work. I was not mad. I was actually much obliged. I heard the word "Community". And that wall came tumbling down. I thought about this the wrong way this whole time... This wasn't about me or any certain other, rather it being a group, helping one another, and doing it as a community.

The reason I was so captivated by the thought of auditioning for RENT, was that it was my favorite movie when I was younger. Surely, yes, the song Seasons Of Love has stuck with me since I first heard it, as well as many other songs from RENT. I really didn't know what meaning it portrayed though. Despite, I never knew that there was a musical of it either... From the time Jesse told me to audition, to the time I knew about the audition date, guess what I discovered? It wasn't just the musical. It was life, reality, hope, creation, wow, yeah, confusion... "Hot, sweat, sweet..." I wanted to be a part of this all along and deep down I knew it. The fear, the insecurity, the self-doubt was the wall. Sure I have some new fears, but just being a part of this musical has changed me in so many ways already. One thing people need to understand about me, is that my soul has been tempered. Fighting all my life, fearing, worrying, and even being alone many times. Being hurt mentally and physically by people that I loved and cared about. Wondering what tomorrow will bring. "Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" I would just like you all to understand that, but I will find things that will make me happy, hopeful, and stronger from now on. Doing this, provides all of that...

Well, our journey has only begun. Let's all build as a community and make the most of this. As I watch us all grow from each rehearsal, I know in the end there will be no regrets. Measure your life in love. And remember, we don't buy love we rent it.