You're what you own

It has been such an amazing journey so far. We have not hit the tip of the iceberg yet. I haven't hit it yet that's for sure. But we're almost to that "We're damn close" point. It's going to be quite a climb. It will be fierce, cold, bitter, but rewarding. I don't want this journey to end. I refuse to let it end but I know that it must be. There are many reasons why I don't want this musical journey to end. My main reason, is these people I have took in as my friends. You all have seen me cry so I just can't let you walk away so easily so yeah............ I'M SO kidding haha! For realio though... I go to work right after rehearsals and for 8 hours I think constantly about all of our hard work and what we worked on and experienced during our rehearsals. I hum Seasons of Love to myself, I repeat Christmas Bells over and over in my mind, I silently lip sing to the many other songs that I am and am not a part of. I literally look like I'm a mad man when I do all of this, yup. Despite, I am glad I had the opportunity to be a part of this. I say thank you so much but I could never say it enough. Thank you all times a googolplex... Yeah I went there... And lastly, not only have I learned so much about myself and the many things that make me... Me... I have learned so much about this awesome cast. There has to be a better word than awesome... Let it be that word! You all are amazing and most of all, you are you. I wouldn't change that. You're what you own. And I love that about all of you. It's going to be hard to leave our home behind but we shall make a new.

A problem I want you to know...

You know, I wonder if I take this blogging thing way too serious or not sometimes. I really do. To me I don't think this was ever a "gateway" to opening up. I find it a way to show who I really am. Right now, I don't care if you want to read this one or not. I am just being brave. I want whoever reads this to know, that this blog is coming from my heart. From a dark place... This is a part of me that I could live without. That I wouldn't miss... At... All... I hope by the end, you all will see me the same way. After each rehearsal, I don't know if it's just me or not and I'm certainly aware this show isn't about me. But this is me, bringing you who I think I really am, who I thought I was, who I'm not, and certainly who I don't want to be.

What could it be? Matt... Matt Woods... That boy who always played violin. Yeah, that one boy... Didn't he have a brother? An older brother? They look alike. No they don't. Wait what's that boys name again? He's so quiet. Why is he staring? Why... Is he here? Who am I? Oh he always gets good grades... I'm tired of him he's good at everything... In gym class he jumps like a freaking Asian... Oh wait, he is Asian... Always... Trying too hard. Why does he always bring his violin to all of his classes? Always have to play everything "perfect" don't you, Matt? I'm just kidding, Matt. No hard feelings, Matt. Are you okay you seem down? Is he okay? Always in a weird mood. Man, I didn't know he could bench press 190 pounds... I thought he was weak... Weakling... He needs to learn what limits are... Faggot... Idiot... Nerd... Ever drink? No? You NEED to drink. Ever smoke? No? Oh well, it isn't good for you. Ever had sex? Moral values? Screw moral values. Half breed... Useless... You're.. Not... Good enough... Matt, you can be whatever you want to be. Skies the limit. You get everything. Quit ruining my life. Goodbye, Matt...

These are some things that have been said to me and things that I asked or have said to myself. There are only two things, that I have said to myself. Who am I... You're... Not ... Good enough... This is a problem I face every single day. I try hard... I try my very best to tell myself that I AM good enough for whatever the future holds for me. The reason as to why I feel this way? Sure you could call it whatever you want; depression, stress, WHAT.EVER. The reason I never tried my best to become the person I was meant to be and until now, I feel the same way- is because of the neglect I put myself through because of other peoples feelings. How they felt toward me and how they reacted to certain things I wanted to pursue. I never asked to be a musician. I never asked to love art. I never asked to be empathetic towards those who are hurting. I never asked be called a faggot or to be called a half breed. I never asked to be born in a family where striking fear into their children was a way of discipline. I never asked to be that guy that was always forgotten in the midst of struggles and hard times. I was Matt... Matt Woods... Or at least to me I was...

Have you ever been pushed down? The uncomfortable touch of someone's own hands thrusting them onto your body where gravity is no longer your friend, where the message is clear that you belong on the ground. Have you ever been pushed to test your self-control? Where a being knows your weaknesses, your faults, your self-conscience and where you stand in life? Have you ever been beaten and felt like you deserved it? Have you ever glimpsed your loved ones being in pain and you had no power to stop it from happening? Have you ever had a day so lonely that not even the greatest of things in life could cure it? Have you ever smiled at someone and not know why you smiled at them? Have you ever been so lost that you realized you were the one who created a maze? Have you ever just wanted an answer? I have... 

To be honest deep down, I don't want to be remembered as the guy who plays violin. I certainly don't want to be remembered by anything negative either. You can say all my life I was taught how to be many things. As well as things to be remembered by. I will say this. I was taught to be the best, to know when to give up, to never believe what people say and believe only half of what you see, to know that you would be something better than what you have, to know that a helping hand could rightfully be your downfall, to know the difference between a fake and a real smile, and to know that deception is the better part of valor. I just have to say that isn't me. At one point I believed I had to live by all of this. Then there would be people who told me different. I became confused... Lost... Unwilling... I didn't know what to do. I was always scared of everything. EVERYTHING. And I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I soon became tired... So tired. When you're tired you deny it and you should do everything in your means to fix the problem. I never did that. Because I thought that if I tried to fix my mistakes, there would be something that would push me down once again. And I was pushed down many times. I got back up though. I can say that I am proud of myself though. I have come a long way from a life of fear and pain... The thing I love about myself the most, is the blood that flows within me. I am resilient because of it. Take that to all who called me a half breed. 

One thing I hate about myself (and it's nothing big and nothing TOO serious haha) has to be the way I let things flow. When I really do try, it's effortless. I am good at a lot of things. I'm also willing to accept that I am horrible at a lot of things. I can't give you a straight picture on who Matt Woods really is, because my road is definitely full of twists and turns. If I'm that violinist to you then I'll tell you this; If you read all of this I hope I did my job and gave you a piece of me. There is so much more to me. So much more to all of us. During one of our rehearsals, Marty said this to me, "You cannot go back". I took that many ways. It's little things like that, that can stick with you for a very long time. A lifetime at that. And that person never knowing what an impact it dealt. 

All I can say is... I am Matt Woods.

Without the music...

I think the most annoying thing I have ever heard while at the movies was, "I can't hear what they're saying because the music is too loud. You can't hear them talk for christ sake!" Well, can't hear what they're saying because you're speaking over them, you rude/obnoxious individual... Anywho... I'm sure you all have wondered what movies, musicals, or even songs would be like (more so what the world would be like) without music. No need to go into detail what would happen, that is for you to decide. We all went over the script, without the music; Table work. I always wondered what this musical would be like if we didn't have music to accompany us. Well, it wouldn't be a musical it would be a play. However, we all did get a glimpse while we did the table work. Despite that, is it enough though? To just make a play and throw in tunes here and there to fit certain emotions of certain scenes? Voila? A musical is born? Is that all a musical really is? Oh I beg to differ on that. Even if a scene was performed so resplendent, so beautiful, so magnificent- why isn't it enough to some people? With the music... Why isn't it enough?

I actually think it IS because of the music. Remember though, what music links to. What we ALLOW the music to link to. Allowance... And I don't think this means just simply letting the music flow through you. That isn't the meaning of music. To me that is. It's like an army of men trying to fit in a small room. With an army of men you can build or you can destroy. DESTROY the walls and build a bigger space. But first allowance. Allow the music to fill you, destroy those walls and help you grow. I don't want to sound cheesy, but this is what music is to me. (But there are a lot of meanings of what music can be) Music, I believe does have the power to build or destroy. Both to me being of positive influence.

 If I never came across music the way I do today, I would not be the person that I am. I would have never experienced playing the violin, being in choirs as a child, going to a university for music, and I certainly would have never been a part of this musical that we are all in. Music has led me on a path that was my duty to keep building on. Music has also led me on a path that helped me destroy walls that blocked that path...

Music is also what specifically connects to certain emotions whether it's a musical or a movie. I believe we actually have the power to pull this off without music though. We never really need music to portray works of art such as RENT. I don't know if you believe that we do or not. I do. But there IS music. And I love all of it. I believe music is there to build our curiosities and destroy what we think the outcome should be to us. It builds all kinds of possibilities and wonders, and destroys the distractions of inner battles. Builds a foundation to watch and listen, in doing so destroys forgetfulness. Without the music, what would all these things mean to you? What would anything mean to us? Without the music...

Feelings Connection Hope

"Rhythm, power, feeling..." I want to share some of the experiences I have journeyed with myself so far. Playing the role of Steve has been quite a roller coaster. It's not because Steve has AIDS and it's certainly not because I have an emotional solo in this musical. I recently saw a small video/documentary of two of the original broadway actors from RENT, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp. Some things that Anthony Rapp said that hit me emotionally were, "Jonathan, when he wrote this piece, was 35. He was living this life. And he didn't say specifically the ages of these characters. The only person in the whole show who's age was named, is Mimi's..." and, "You have to be yourself and all you can do is add that to the characters." I'll just have to say that practicing my solo at home has been frustrating for me thus far. Why? Not because I'm having trouble practicing the song but I keep forgetting the feeling that must be interpreted from it. I was having major difficulty on the aspect of bringing myself into this song. And it took a toll on me...

I find it very compelling that my feelings are actually being ignited. What Anthony Rapp said, connecting Jonathan Larson's life to the life that these characters from RENT are facing, makes myself even more connected as well- to the story and to my role. Also, when I think about why Jonathan made the song "Will I" the way it is, it ignites my inner sadness. However, it makes a connection to a silly question, "Why wouldn't he make a song about love or hope?" I actually believe now that, that is Jonathan's message he is trying to convey to the people. To the actors who interpret his work, to the men and women who experience it, and to the people who watch; Hope. 

We do not know much about these characters. Which should give us an even better connection, because they could be us. I am getting to know Steve better and better each day. Just wondering that this character was most likely someone that Jonathan had met. This character could have been a part of his life and possibly changed his life. There is so much more to RENT than I had anticipated. I get deeper into its roots and I don't regret knowing such reality and purity that came from one man. I will never truly understand who Steve really was to Jonathan but I get a sense that was someone genuinely special to Jonathan at the time. This feeling, makes me connected to the other characters and to myself even more as well. This feeling might not have been sadness all along but in disguise. I'm sure this feeling was hope.

How I got here: The journey has begun

I want to share with you all on how I got here in the first place. I would like to thank Jesse Pierce on this one. First met him at DACC's production of Promises Promises, sitting outside with a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other after one of the showings. "We're going to be doing RENT", he said. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I did not hesitate one bit to say how much I would love to play violin in the production of RENT. "There are no strings, its all rock music." I kind of died a little at this point... "You should audition for it." Jesse's words captured me. My attention was immediately brought to fear, self-doubt, and insecurity... "I COULD not and WOULD not audition for a musical", I told myself. It wasn't me, it wasn't who I was... Jesse definitely made an impact in the 30 minutes that we were conversing. Going from one thought to eventually unraveling my whole life of musical experiences- I left that night wondering and questioning. I think, from the time Jesse told me I should audition, to the time I found out about the audition date, I have probably asked myself 100 times whether or not I should audition for it... My declaration was pretty obvious haha :)

Here we are, audition day has arrived. My mind worn out from preparing myself mentally. Nerves tense, posture straight, deep breaths, on time, lots of water, "Still thirsty... Parched...", pretending it's a violin solo/ensemble contest, I'm in my room practicing, NO it's the audition, keeping calm, "What's the time? Well it's gotta be close to" 3 o'clock!?... It was finally time for our audition... I did not know what was in store for me and the others. I did not think of "Community" at this time. As a musician I was use to being alone in my room practicing and then playing for judges by myself, and certainly did not want to be the weakest link. These thoughts provoked me after the audition. I could not explain what haunted me as I drove home. A wall that could not be broken. What was it?

First day of... "rehearsal". I brought my thoughts with me. Devotion Matt, be on time Matt, first impressions Matt, introduce yourself Matt, why aren't you introducing yourself Matt?! Nope not going to be on time Matt, call Suzy because you're at the wrong place Matt, Matt why didn't you remember the address for the first rehearsal?... Arrived, not on time and not at all worried. People moving crap everywhere and my thoughts still with me. That wall was breaking though. I immediately sprung into the abyss of upstage! "There, walked a..." bunch of people that I knew! Relieved... I was thrilled! I was among cast and crew and most importantly, friends. I was told what to do, what to move, what to clean, what to cut up, what to pile up, and what to shove in the room next door... Never did I have the mindset that this was exhausting or not fun or boring or too much work. I was not mad. I was actually much obliged. I heard the word "Community". And that wall came tumbling down. I thought about this the wrong way this whole time... This wasn't about me or any certain other, rather it being a group, helping one another, and doing it as a community.

The reason I was so captivated by the thought of auditioning for RENT, was that it was my favorite movie when I was younger. Surely, yes, the song Seasons Of Love has stuck with me since I first heard it, as well as many other songs from RENT. I really didn't know what meaning it portrayed though. Despite, I never knew that there was a musical of it either... From the time Jesse told me to audition, to the time I knew about the audition date, guess what I discovered? It wasn't just the musical. It was life, reality, hope, creation, wow, yeah, confusion... "Hot, sweat, sweet..." I wanted to be a part of this all along and deep down I knew it. The fear, the insecurity, the self-doubt was the wall. Sure I have some new fears, but just being a part of this musical has changed me in so many ways already. One thing people need to understand about me, is that my soul has been tempered. Fighting all my life, fearing, worrying, and even being alone many times. Being hurt mentally and physically by people that I loved and cared about. Wondering what tomorrow will bring. "Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" I would just like you all to understand that, but I will find things that will make me happy, hopeful, and stronger from now on. Doing this, provides all of that...

Well, our journey has only begun. Let's all build as a community and make the most of this. As I watch us all grow from each rehearsal, I know in the end there will be no regrets. Measure your life in love. And remember, we don't buy love we rent it.